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The Myth of the "Should Be" Leader
- Tami Chapek
- a few seconds ago
- 3 min read
As we grow as leaders, there is an unwritten rule that we must act like the leaders above us to be successful, after all, if they got there by behaving this way, then we should do. We carry with us the burden of shifting our personality, shifting our skillset to match others, and acting out of alignment with our core strengths and values.
We often trap ourselves in a cycle of performing a role rather than leading from a center. In our book Leadership reDEFYned: DEFY the Ordinary to Unleash Potential, we see this as the greatest tax on your leadership success. True authenticity isn't about fitting a mold; it’s about breaking it to reveal the unique value that you and only you can provide.
"Don't "should" on yourself"
The most dangerous phrase in leadership is: "I should be more like..." or "I should do..." When you "should" on yourself, you are essentially adopting someone else’s requirements, beliefs, and strengths as your own. You create a "supposed to be" persona that is exhausting to maintain and takes you away from the greatness that you already have. This "acting like X" is also more transparent to others than you realize and can be off-putting for your team. People don't follow personas; they follow clarity, reliability, and truth.
Leading authentically means removing the weight of external obligations. It’s a disciplined practice of:
Rejecting the Script: Identify which leadership "requirements" are actually just someone else’s preferences versus the best way that you can lead
Leaning into Your Edge: Double down on your natural strengths rather than obsessing over "fixing" a personality trait that isn't broken
Valued-Based Guardrails: Replace "I should" with "I choose," based on your core values and priorities
Authenticity is a Practice, Not a License
To be clear: dropping the "supposed to be" mask isn't an excuse to be a jerk or dismiss feedback. It’s about intentionality.
Own your blind spots with candor, not shame
Demonstrate humility by inviting others to fill the gaps where you aren't the expert
Create psychological safety by showing your team that they, too, can stop performing and start producing with their strengths
The 1% Shift: From Obligation to Impact
Authenticity survives through growth, not perfection. If you want to move from a "curated" style to a "true" one, adopt the 1% better every day mindset.
The 1% Principle: The belief that significant excellence is the byproduct of tiny, consistent improvements. When applied to leadership, it is the practice of identifying a singular, marginal gain in self-awareness or skill each day, allowing those improvements to compound into a transformative shift in influence and culture over time.
By focusing on small shifts, you are able to continue to lean into your strengths and talents - AND continue to grow. Leadership is a journey, not a destination, and the more you embrace growth, the better and easier it becomes.
I want to challenge you to consider taking on a 90-Day Authenticity Audit:
Identify the "Shoulds": List three things you do because you feel you "should." Are they driving results, or just maintaining an image?
Audit Your Natural Edge: Use 360 feedback to find where you hit peak performance effortlessly. That is your authentic edge.
Micro-Habit Shifts: Instead of trying to "be more inspiring," try sharing one raw, unfiltered lesson from a recent failure in your next team meeting.
Accountability: Work with a coach to ensure you aren't slipping back into the "supposed to be" narrative when the pressure mounts.
The Result: Lower Cognitive Load
When you stop "should-ing" on yourself and stay authentic to who you are (with an eye toward growth), you remove the constant friction of managing impressions and shifting personas. To put it more simply, you reduce your cognitive load allowing you to focus on strategy and people rather than your own acted out performance. Your decisions become more grounded, your communication more direct, and your leadership more sustainable.
Ready to Lead as Yourself?
The "supposed to be" leader is a myth. The impactful leader is real. At WeInspireWe, we help executives strip away the noise of obligation to build an authentic leadership plan rooted in true strengths.
About Tami Chapek and WeInspireWe: Tami Chapek, Founder of WeInspireWe and the architect of the Leadership reDEFYned framework, believes that the most powerful leaders are those who aren't afraid of their own humanity. Her mission is to help executives find the clarity and courage to lead authentically—recognizing that emotional intelligence isn't a weakness, but the very foundation of strength and influence. Tami’s journey proves that sustainable leadership is rooted in deep self-awareness and a thriving Authentic Community.
To explore how authenticity can transform your leadership and the entire culture around you, schedule time with Tami today.